after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
