Just cropdusted the office
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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