i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize