my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
