Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
