Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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