I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Randomize
