If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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