We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
