Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
