I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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