I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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