in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
