I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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