12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
