I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
