today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
