There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
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Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
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I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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