does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
