Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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