The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
