I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
