So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
