i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
