He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
