How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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