Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
