i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i believe in u and ur pee
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
