Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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