did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
