Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
