woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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