I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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