I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Sober January is a disaster.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
They have beer where we have blood.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
