what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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