don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
