that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
