Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
