I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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