tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
