OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
