New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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