new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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