paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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