Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
