Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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