There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I would fuck him just for his dog
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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