Umm I'm too high to move.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I cut my penus on the lid.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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