Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
