She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
