Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
