It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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