Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
