My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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