Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
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I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
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Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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