Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
