so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
