I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
