You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
