shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
