Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
